“That’s Not How We Were Raised!”

Raising children in the UK when you grew up somewhere else can be a beautiful experience, but let’s be honest, it can also test your patience. One minute, you are trying to teach your child good manners, and the next, they are asking you why they must do something simply because you said so, leaving you thinking, “When I was your age, I would never have questioned my parents like this!”

For many migrant parents living in London, Manchester, Leeds, and other UK cities, parenting means balancing the values they grew up with alongside the environment their children experience every day. You want your children to respect their elders, appreciate their culture, take responsibility, and understand boundaries, yet at the same time, they are growing up in schools and communities where they are actively encouraged to ask questions, express opinions, and speak up for themselves.

The answer to raising children who understand where they come from while helping them navigate UK society is not to abandon your culture or copy everything you see other parents doing; it is to recognise which core values matter most and find healthy ways to teach them.

Why Parenting Between Two Cultures Can Be Challenging

Think about how you were raised: perhaps you were expected to greet every adult properly, obey instructions without question, and stay quiet when adults were talking. Disagreeing with a parent might have been interpreted as direct disrespect, and discipline could frequently involve shouting, threats, or physical punishment.

Now imagine your child growing up in a UK school where teachers actively encourage them to ask questions, explain their reasoning, and participate in classroom discussions, learning that it is acceptable to challenge an idea respectfully, even when the person expressing it is older or in authority.

When your child comes home and asks, “But why do I have to do that?”, you might interpret it as disobedience, whereas your child may simply be trying to understand the reason behind the instruction. Neither situation automatically means your family values are wrong or that your child is being disrespectful; it means you are navigating different expectations and need to figure out how they can coexist. Your child can learn to respect elders without believing that adults are always right, understand cultural traditions while developing their own opinions, and ask questions without being allowed to ignore every household rule.

Discipline Does Not Have to Mean Fear

Some migrant parents grew up believing that a child who fears their parents will naturally respect them, having been told that strict discipline was necessary to prevent children from becoming spoilt, irresponsible, or difficult to control. Understandably, familiar parenting methods feel like the most natural option when you are tired, stressed, or worried about your child’s behaviour; however, there is an important difference between a child behaving well because they understand your expectations and a child behaving well simply because they fear your reaction.

Fear may produce immediate obedience, but it does not help children develop self-control, good judgement, or the ability to make responsible decisions when you are not around, and research reviewed by the NSPCC links physical punishment with harmful outcomes for children’s wellbeing and long-term behaviour. You can be a firm, authoritative parent without making your child afraid of you:

• Explain the Connection: If your child breaks an agreed rule, explain what went wrong and apply a proportionate, age-appropriate consequence.

• Use Constructive Consequences: If they refuse to complete their homework, pause recreational screen time until the agreed work is finished.

• Focus on Learning: Shift the focus from avoiding immediate punishment to helping them understand the direct connection between their actions and consequences.

Teach Your Child How to Disagree Respectfully

One of the biggest adjustments for migrant parents is learning that a child expressing a different opinion does not automatically mean they are challenging your authority.

A Strategic Communication Rule: There is a fundamental difference between a child stating, “I don’t agree because I think there is another way,” and shouting insults. Children still need to learn appropriate language, timing, and tone, but if every question is treated as backchat, they will eventually stop sharing their thoughts with you when they need your help most.

Instead of immediately responding with “Don’t talk back to me,” try asking your child to explain what they mean by saying, “I am willing to listen, but you need to speak calmly.” This allows you to maintain a firm boundary while showing them how respectful disagreement works. Explain that listening does not always mean agreeing, so while your child may share their opinion, you may still decide that a particular rule stands, helping them learn to communicate their feelings appropriately. This approach becomes especially vital as children become teenagers, as a teenager who feels safe discussing school pressures or difficult decisions with you will be far more willing to seek your guidance when something goes wrong.

Correct Your Child Without Humiliating Them

Family gatherings can make discipline even more complicated; for instance, if your child behaves in a way you consider rude, an auntie, uncle, or family friend might immediately say, “Is that how you were taught at home? Discipline this child!” Suddenly, you feel immense pressure to prove that you are a responsible parent, tempting you to shout at your child or punish them in front of everyone to show relatives that you take the situation seriously.

However, you do not have to turn your child’s mistake into a public performance.

When it is safe and practical, take your child aside and explain what was inappropriate; if they interrupted an adult, explain why it was discourteous and show them how to wait for a suitable moment to speak. You can also set firm boundaries with relatives using a simple, calm response such as “Thank you, I’ll speak to them about it,” letting people know that you are handling the matter without inviting a family debate about your parenting.

Understand UK Safeguarding Laws Before Choosing Your Approach

Parenting decisions must also take account of the specific laws where your family lives, which is particularly important because the legal rules on physical punishment vary across the UK.

In Scotland and Wales, all physical punishment of children is completely unlawful, whereas in England and Northern Ireland, the law provides a narrow defence of “reasonable punishment” in certain common assault cases, though that defence does not apply to injuries, and physical punishment can have severe legal consequences depending on the circumstances.

Child safeguarding professionals become involved when there are concerns that a child is being harmed or is at risk of harm, though it is inaccurate to assume that every strict parenting decision automatically leads to social services involvement. If you are unsure about the rules in your area, seek information from reliable sources like the NSPCC or an appropriately qualified family-law professional rather than relying on what relatives say was acceptable when they were growing up.

Preserve Your Cultural Values While Building Better Habits

You do not have to choose between raising a respectful child and raising a confident one; you can teach your children to greet elders, value family, take responsibility for household tasks, appreciate their heritage, and treat others with consideration. You can maintain your language, celebrate cultural occasions, tell family stories, and explain traditions that matter deeply to you.

At the same time, you can teach them that respect should go both ways, that mistakes are learning opportunities, and that disagreements can be handled without shouting or intimidation. Children learn by watching you; if you expect them to speak calmly, model calm communication yourself, and if you lose your temper, be willing to say, “I was upset earlier and shouldn’t have shouted; let’s talk about what happened.” Saying this does not make you a weak parent, but rather shows your child what true accountability looks like.

Parenting across cultures is an ongoing learning process, so the aim is not to erase your upbringing; it is to keep the rich values worth passing on while letting go of methods that cause harm. Your culture gives your children roots, while your modern parenting gives them room to grow.